Wed. Nov 13th, 2024

Focus on What You Have, Not on What’s Missing

happy couple smiling

Don’t ignore the very things that brought you and your spouse together.

When a couple are ready to give up on their marriage, they’ll often say there is nothing positive going on between them anymore; it’s all bad. Researcher John Gottman at the University of Washington found that in a healthy, growing marriage, positive behaviors outnumber negative behaviors by a ratio of at least 5-to-1. This means that every negative behavior directed toward one’s spouse requires at least five good behaviors to offset it.

As a couple’s marriage begins to unravel, the number of positives compared to negatives begins to drop below 5-to-1. Even in a good marriage, negative behaviors have more impact on us, but they really take on more power when they no longer are being offset by positive behaviors.

Here’s an interesting point: By the time two people are ready to divorce, the positive behaviors are actually about equal to the number of negative behaviors. The positives are not absent or even outnumbered—except in the minds of the divorcing couple. But they are overpowered by the negative behavior, which has a way of blocking our vision of the positive.

This feeds on our natural human tendency to focus on the negative. Even the optimist can get caught up in seeing the glass as half empty when it comes to marriage behavior. We seem to take the positive behavior for granted, but we can’t let go of the negative very easily.

When a couple focus on what they believe is missing in their relationship, they are looking at what isn’t there. They are also ignoring the very things that brought them together.

When I can get them to remember the good things they saw in each other at the start of their relationship, they begin to look again at what they have that is positive. Often a man’s or woman’s  positive feelings for their spouse will last beyond the counseling session and prepare them to take the next step together.

Related Post

Leave a Reply

Related Podcasts

More News
When Was Hell Prepared?
When Was Hell Prepared?
What Is Spiritual Warfare?
What Is Spiritual Warfare?
The Greatest Spiritual War for the Future Is the Past, Present and Future
The Greatest Spiritual War for the Future Is the Past, Present and Future
Tucker Carlson Shares His Testimony: ‘I Was Mauled by a Demon’
Tucker Carlson Shares His Testimony: ‘I Was Mauled by a Demon’
Mike Signorelli Talks Demonic Possession, Oppression and Generational Curses
Mike Signorelli Talks Demonic Possession, Oppression and Generational Curses
A Night of Unity at Christ Church: Arabs and Jews Worship Jesus Together in Jerusalem
A Night of Unity at Christ Church: Arabs and Jews Worship Jesus Together in Jerusalem
Amanda Grace, Faith Leaders Host Prayer Night for the Trump Family
Amanda Grace, Faith Leaders Host Prayer Night for the Trump Family
Is Fear Stopping You from Fulfilling God’s Purpose in Your Life?
Is Fear Stopping You from Fulfilling God’s Purpose in Your Life?
Isaiah Saldivar’s Remarkable Message: ‘I Hear Chains Breaking’
Isaiah Saldivar’s Remarkable Message: ‘I Hear Chains Breaking’
Greg Locke: How Biblical Generosity Transforms Lives
Greg Locke: How Biblical Generosity Transforms Lives
previous arrow
next arrow
Shadow

Latest Videos
75.6K Subscribers
988 Videos
7.5M Views

Copy link