Do You Need to ‘Fix’ Your Spouse? Try This Instead

Many people start off their marriages living in a fantasy world. But it doesn’t take long for those fantasies to come crashing down.

“These fantasies that we had were actually expectations for our marriage,” Phillip Fields tells Dr. Steve Greene on a recent episode of Greenelines on the Charisma Podcast Network. He says fear, which he calls “the No. 1 enemy in marriage,” must be addressed for a marriage to thrive—but it’s not the ultimate key. Phillip and his wife, Darlena, tell Greene that true marital success only happens through personal transformation.

“You get into these moments where stress increases and conflict erupts,” Phillip says. “What’s happening is that our fear buttons are being pushed. … They’re things that we believe that our spouse is not fulfilling.”

He adds that although it’s our responsibility to find the origin of those fears and the beliefs that fuel them, once that is accomplished, “It’s more about personal transformation than it is working on the mechanics of marriage. And so the place that all of us have to start is that if we want a better marriage, then we have to look at what we’re contributing and how we’re showing up.”

“Statistics have shown that during the pandemic, divorce has risen, and spouse abuse has risen,” Darlena adds. “When we’re working and we’re busy and doing all the things in our busy American lives, we can stay hidden behind the busyness. When we’re stuck at home alone, the masks come down. …. And we have to deal with who we really are and see our spouses for who they really are.”

The Fieldses’ book, The Unperfect Marriage, and podcast, The Unperfect Podcast, both deal with the type of personal revival and transformation they say couples need to thrive today. After all, Darlena says, you don’t get to change your spouse. “It doesn’t work that way,” she says. “And so what we have to do is we have to start within, and that’s where the growth takes place. … We model what it looks like to step into hard things and do hard things, have courage and take risks.

“On the other side of the risk is always a great reward,” Darlena says. “The dream marriage is waiting on the other side of your risk.”

Read articles like this one and other Spirit-led content in our new platform, CHARISMA PLUS.